#im in this eternal cycle of suffering where im constantly changing how i feel about my art and its exhausting

[quibblegoobe]

everyday i wake up and stay up til 1 am drawing the shittiest things my hand can produce

[decorativedust]

HNK chapter 80 thoughts + analysis

I’ve been marinating on this chapter for a few days, and I have some things in mind for it that I’d like to talk about. 

This is just my take on things, and how I’ve interpreted them: mostly phos, aechmea, cairngorm, a tad bit of dia, and my thoughts on the fate of the series. 

Warning for: talk of suicide, spoilers. 

so I have a few very specific things I want to cover: Phos, Aechmea, Cairngorm, Dia, and the fate of the series. 

We’ll start with Phos. 

Personally, one of the biggest draws and attachments for hnk was phos’s transition from a sweet, naive gem to a depressed, anxious, horrifically warped individual. There’s not a lot of series out there where you can actually see a character become changed so drastically in such an intricate manner. I find character development, as a whole, to be extremely interesting. 

Phos’s transition has been building up for the entire series. They kept growing stronger, learned more- but continued to fail over and over again. They tried to make an encyclopedia, and failed. They tried to find a job for shinsa, and failed. They tried to help bring Ventricosus home and got betrayed and lost their legs. They tried to save antarc, and failed. Ghost was abducted trying to save them. They lost nearly all of their body. They couldn’t bring back the ground up gems. Their night raid was a failure and might’ve killed padpa. 

They’ve had a few triumphs- becoming stronger (although I’m ultimately not sure how much good this led to), giving the gems on the moon potentially happier lives (?), and help uncover more of the truth of their world. The gem abductions have seemed to stop entirely. And cinnabar seems to have finally reintegrated back into gem society through their efforts. 

Ultimately though, phos’s life has become full of constant efforts sustained on hope and bravery that almost always end in failure. At the end of the day, how could you not snap? How could you not become a self-doubting, depressed mess? In a world where everyone has given up on you in your efforts to stop the cycle of suffering, how could you not become the despair-filled person that Phos now is? 

I hope they get a satisfying ending. Phos has been fucked over from the beginning. They’re far from perfect, but I believe the things that ultimately drive them are kindness and a desire to end this cycle of pain for everyone- and I think that’s important to keep in mind. 

Now let’s go to Aechmea. 

This man really is an absolute lying bastard, huh? 

There’s no doubt about it- Aechmea straight up lied to EVERYONE about the fate of the other two societies (admirabilis and gems). Honestly, I’m not even sure the lunarians knew about it. I don’t think they did- he genuinely ran lunarian society on the operation that the gems and admirabilis would be around after they disappeared. 

Aechmea gives no indication that the fact that adamant will pray away all remnants of humanity is new information. It serves in Aechmea’s favor that he doesn’t tell anyone, either. While there’s certainly a few gems who likely don’t mind this fate (yellow), i imagine the bulk of admirabilis and gems wouldn’t desire such a fate. And how would the lunarians feel, if they found out the gems and the admirabilis would go with them, especially now that gems and admirabilis have all been on the moon for at least several hundred years at this point? 

Aechmea didn’t care if they took all the gem dust on the moon and tried to reform the gems. Aechmea didn’t harm any of the gems on the moon. He stopped abducting gems. He listened to their demands. Because ultimately, it didn’t matter! None of it mattered, because they’d all die alongside the lunarians anyways! 

I suppose I can find sympathy in their reasons for wanting to cross over to the nothingness. But at the cost of two entire other species? At the cost of killing so many other living things who likely don’t want to die- who don’t even know the fate they’re getting? Is there really nothing else that can be done? You got any lunarian therapy up there? 

Its a hard thing to discuss. Obviously I’ll never know the feeling of being given the ability to live for eternity. Could they have not chosen to build some sort of positive relationship with the admirabilis and the gems, rather than terrorize and use both of them for their own purposes? 

It feels so selfish. I suppose that’s not surprising, given how selfishness is just part of being human- or the personality and essence of humanity, at least. While selflessness is good, we all need a little selfishness sometimes. We need to take time to ourselves and do things for our own goods, rather than contribute ourselves 100% to others and completely burn ourselves out. It seems lunarians (or at least Aechmea) have selfishness in spades, to the point of being utterly apathetic to the fate of gems and admirabilis. 

Now onto Cairngorm. 

They look terrified and horrified the entire chapter. 

Cairngorm is certainly no stranger to the concept of death. They had suicidal thoughts during phos’s first 200 year coma (right after they’d lost their head), they brushed by death when their outer shell (Ghost) was ripped away from their body. They’ve outwardly expressed before how they want to go with Aechmea into the nothingness, and yet- here they are. Not excited, not happy, not anything near positive. 

There’s a giant difference between saying “i will die with you/i want to die” and actually, genuinely embracing death. Its so easy to say something, but so much harder to actually do it, and I think this is when cairngorm is actually, fully realizing this. 

I don’t know whether or not they’re suicidal anymore, but I imagine not. This is probably the happiest they have been in their entire life. Imagine finally overcoming the desire to die, to find a place that makes you so happy - and then to realize that you’re about to lose it all and become nothing. 

If there was ever a time for cairngorm to go against aechmea, its now. If we ever have a moment where cairngorm realizes aechmea lied to them, where cairngorm is finally going to become their own person without being under the rule and command of anyone else, it is now. 

Personally, I’m hoping they’ll somehow attempt to interfere and try and stop Phos, but I’ll cover this more when I talk about the fate of the series. 

Now onto Dia! This is probably the most lighthearted part of the whole chapter. 

They’ve finally shined under their own light. 

This is going back waaaaaaay far into the manga (like chapter 3), but we’re finally seeing some sort of resolution to Dia’s desire to become good at their own thing, without always being second best to Bort. 

I feel like Dia and Phos, at this point, had very similar feelings. Both felt insignificant and useless as a result of not being as good as a fighter as their societal expectations hold them to- leading to feelings of self doubt, and the desire to become better. 

A lot of people have called Dia selfish, for wanting to go somewhere where there is no Bort. Perhaps, a little bit. However, I don’t think Bort was purposefully trying to ‘show off’ and show how much better than Dia they are. They seemed to just be doing it out of the desire to protect Dia. But ultimately, Dia still felt very second-best to them, despite the fact that Dia should’ve been one of the best themselves. Yet their partnership was suffocating for Dia, constantly under the shadow of Bort. It just simply wasn’t healthy. 

But now Dia has found a thing where they’re able to shine under their own light- an idol!!! They seem really happy doing it. They have a whole crowd of adoring fans, too. (blows a kiss to the moon) this is for u dia u fuckin get em 

Finally, onto the last point: The fate of houseki no kuni. 

This really feels like we’re so close to the end, doesn’t it? But how close to that end are we?  As most of us are aware, chapter 80 is just the first chapter in volume 10. So, I find it very hard to believe that Phos is going to be successful in this particular attempt to get sensei to pray. A maximum of 21 minutes is certainly not enough time to tie up all the loose plotlines. What happened to Yellow? To Padpa? How are the earth gems? What about all the stuff that was happening between Cinnabar and Phos? What about the professor? etc etc im probably missing a few things, but you get my point. 

Personally, I think there’s either going to be a gem that wanders out and sees phos going apeshit, and manages to stop them. Or, we’re going to get interference from Cairngorm. Right now Cairngorm seems the most likely candidate, despite the fact that they aren’t physically there. (Boy, if they do that though, I’m afraid to see how aechmea will react.) But I don’t really find it hard to believe that one of the earth gems will wander out, unable or unwilling to sleep. 

Phos, obviously, won’t stop. They haven’t stopped trying for hundreds of years, why would they stop now, unless somehow they also bypassed whatever was preventing sensei from telling them “hey, you’re gonna kill everyone so maybe chill out”. I find it unlikely Sensei would do anything, however. He’s seemed extremely passive towards the gems lately (the most violent he’s ever been towards them was when he yelled at original goshe and morganite and accidentally shattered phos in like.. chapter 1) and aechmea said it himself- he doesn’t seem to be resisting. 

Ending it here feels so.. messy. I like to have a little bit more faith in Ichikawa as a writer. I’ve decided to trust her because she’s written a lot of other things extremely well. Maybe I’ll be putting on my clown wig in a few chapters, but we’ll see. 

[yaminerua]

Emeto warning

I’ve felt sick from this for a while but I didn’t think I was actually going to physically be. I’ve not eaten much. I haven’t been able to for quite a while now because I’ve felt just too off to and every time I’ve tried I’ve not managed much through feeling like I was going to be sick. and I’ve had very very little sleep in a long while but it’s especially worse lately with barely getting to sleep at all. and my chest has been aching constantly for so so long from all of this. Like a hammering, racing thud that won’t stop or even let up enough to let me rest. it feels like my ribcage itself is breaking From the constant pounding.

and i keep crying just... so so much until my throat is raw and my eyes burn and my head is well past ready to implode and it all just combined this morning and I was sick all over the floor. Mostly just water and stomach juices since there wasn’t really any food down there but my body kept retching anyway

felt like I was trying to force my heart up and out through my throat.

I didn’t think anything could ever floor me like this...

I don’t want them to know it’s made me this ill. It would do no good whatsoever. I don’t want them to feel guilty or worry because I know it’s not their fault their heart was able to move on instantly while mine remains stuck on them even all these months on. There may never have been a good time to tell me they were with someone new But I appreciate that they waited a while instead of dropping it on me right after they broke us up but.. man.. I don’t think any amount of time would’ve made it easy to stomach

I’m struggling so much trying to keep things together because they still want to be friends but that hurts so much. I’ve been trying to just accept it and heal but it’s not working. Just knowing them, every little thing they do and say, seeing their face, it will keep making me love them helplessly as it always has, even with knowing my time together with them is over. So I’m in for a painful time of endless yearning.

and im not a bitter person. If they’re going to be happy with this person I really do want them to be happy. They’re so wonderful and they deserve the world and more and if I can’t give them what they want and need anymore that’s just the harsh truth of life... I accept it reluctantly but it does little to stop my heart still feeling what it feels.

They deserve the best. I wanted so hard to be someone worthy of their love. I’d do everything to be right for them. I’m eternally thankful even for the small, blessed handful of years that they loved me at all.

But wanting someone you love to be happy and being absolutely destroyed at seeing them happy with someone new are things that can exist at the same time. And it’s like someone had stuck a fork in my chest and started mashing and twisting everything up.

i know how bad it looks to try to say that friendship after love feels as though it is too hard. I know it can come across in a toxic way like it’s making an ‘all or nothing‘ type ultimatum like ’you Have to be with me or you don’t get to know me at all’ but that’s not what I mean at all. That is cruel, especially when done intentionally in that manipulative manner. I don’t want to do that to them.

but the concept of going back to friends after something this deep and special and finding it impossibly hard to do and struggling is also not untrue... trying to still be in proximity to them as friends while I’m stuck agonisingly in love with them and keep helplessly falling over and over and its not even anything they’re doing in particular, it’s just them and I can’t help but love everything they are. I’m certain I’ll never fully get over them and I know everyone says that but this is different from anything I’ve had before. This really felt like it had a future and now it’s gone and I’ll never get them back and so many months later my heart is still sick and it is not doing me any good. But I don’t want to say some shit like ‘you’re not doing me any good’ or anything like that because that’s an awful thing to say.

i‘d said that I would need time to Try to heal time has passed and it’s not getting better and idk how long a wait is reasonable... especially when I know the moment I see or speak to them again any tiny scrap of progress I make will be blown away by that painful oncoming train of inescapable fondness And longing.

I care about them so much and I don’t want them to see me continue to suffer over a heart that can’t change and over something they themselves couldn’t help, but I also don’t want them to suffer or resent me if it really turns out I’m not strong enough of heart to be able to swallow the ache and bear it to stick around. I don’t want to be a burdensome weight on them. I don’t want them to be troubled looking at me and seeing someone who by still being around them just can’t even begin to move on. They Are just so loveable, how can I ever not feel helplessly in love with them.

but it really has been months and this isn’t getting better. The longer it goes the worse it gets and it’s not like I haven’t been trying to find ways to hurry up and heal so I can stop these feelings being a bother. This heart is just so stubborn... even before we were together I tried in vain for more than a year to shake off the ‘crush’. I couldn’t even manage that.

im not going to say I wish we never happened because god being with them was the happiest time of my life and I was so ready to work for a future by their side. But if I’d never been with them I’d never have known what I’d be missing and when they got someone to love I’d never be able to know the private things that would go on. I wouldn’t have vivid and sensory memories of those experiences to be haunted by. I’d never know what kissing them felt like or to be quite so wrecked knowing all the tender intimacies that will happen with someone else now, who will be much better at it than I ever was. But knowing them as personally as I was once permitted to, and knowing someone else will now get to do that, and maybe even more than I was able to, and to be better at it.. it settles deep in my bones, thick and tarry in my veins And I almost wish I could forget.

I cant compare to this person. he has me beat on every level. I’m sure they’ll both be happy and together a long time. They seem good for each other, I can’t deny that... And a good part of me wants them to be happy even if it has to be with someone who isn’t me anymore. But the heartbroken part of me that was never going to be ready to lose them wishes desperately that one day they’d come back and there’s just no point in hoping for something that’s surely impossible. What’s done is done.

but all of that and more cycles round and round in my head and my chest and churns until my body can’t take it and tries to eject it from my system as if it was as simple as puking out my feelings and being done with it.

no break up or hurt in my life has even come close to even beginning to scratch the surface of the magnitude of this deep ache in my soul. And there has been some truly awful fuckshit in my life.

i don’t want to let them down. I didn’t want to let them down in the first place, though whether there was more to our ending behind the scenes than just that I’ll never know. Maybe I’d been losing them long before I could have even tried anything about it.

but I don’t know how to move forward without it going badly one way or another

one side if I‘m a pathetic coward and run from the hurt that comes with being around them and seeing them, and the feelings that can’t die because who I am is just doomed to love everything they are, then I end up losing even the ability to know or have them in my life at all. And I would mourn that forever too. We become strangers and they probably forever feel hurt at the fact I couldnt stay close to them because of this weak, sensitive heart. I’ll be shelved in the past as a disappointment.

on the other I stay close to keep them in my life and my heart continues to break and yearn for the return of something that’s gone. The friend who never truly gets over them and always unconsciously hopes for a return. And constant exposure to their new love will fester under my skin and keep the aching wound fresh and weeping. And whatever friendship I try to salvage may come off awkward and unnatural. Especially if we were to meet face to face at cons or amongst the shared circle of friends again Where I can’t hide behind a convenient mask of carefully worded text to hide the feelings. I worry my heavy heart still so full of love that I’ll be unable to fully mask and hide will make them uncomfortable. Because dammit Lauren why can’t you just get over it already

yeah...

i sound ridiculous and Its been the same stuff for this whole year. But god.. I love them so much and no matter what happens I know I’ll always be in love with them in some constant way all my life. They really were one of a kind. The gentlest sweetest soul with a patience that melted my heart and made me feel safer and more comfortable than anyone else ever could.

I really thought we could make it work. And though life circumstances played a big part in keeping us apart and making their feelings drift, maybe I was also always going to never quite be enough in comparison to Someone else. I wanted to be made for them, to be someone who deserved to stay in their heart as I once was, but maybe someone else was always going to be the better fit.

i can only wish them the best

[sissearchkittpu-blog]

Aries woman dating

Virgo Man and Aries Woman Compatibility: Love, Sex, and Chemistry Basicslly, it was incredibly obvious she was very attracted to me physically and intellectually and not to sound cocky but we are both equally attractive.  If he insists on being in charge, he will bog both of them down with small matters, which will frustrate her to no end.  If all that has been said about Aries ladies is true, I'm in.  If you are in love with this bold Aries man and are yourself that very self-confident Aries girl then make your mind clear that in a long run you have to listen to him for having a peaceful relationship.  She is so amazing and I try to impress her and make her happy.  So if you are planning to take your girlfriend on a tour of a state-of-the-art science facility or a formal dance at the Navy ball, think twice.  He's a great guy and everything, but he suffocates me every once in a while, and also I hate the fact that I am emotionally stronger than him.

5 Aries Dating Tips that will Save You from a Dating Disaster The best way to grab the attention of an Aries woman is to match her flirtatious nature.  Who is the little girl in when a man loves a woman Love compatibility, and dynamic, a leo be right place.  Any straight forward advise on what the problems with caps is.  If you are an Aries woman, listen up.  She wants to do things quickly! Just like Aries, Gemini prefers partying, competitiveness and spontaneous passionate sex.  She will go away if you are too possessive.

5 Aries Dating Tips that will Save You from a Dating Disaster You are constantly in a rush to prove yourself.  Either that, or you stumbled upon this page by way of something else, and stopped out of sheer curiosity.  I be also been hurt by a Virgo, Sagittarius, Pisces, Crazy Scorpio.  They are more interested in their own fulfillment in sexual desires and can suffer from an unintentional selfishness in their sexual life.  What makes this relationship break? These people have a wide relationship in the social life and make lots of friends.  It is not that she is opposed to tidiness, it is just that there are often more important things in her eyes.  So if we are with you, it's because we really want to be.

Dating an Aries Woman We got off great back then, we spent days together when we first met and really fell for each other.  You are a perfect match if you are a representative of any fire sign or a Gemini.  No timetables — she wants sex when she wants, and if you try negotiating your sex-schedule, she may easily break up with you.  He calms me but it's not off putting because he really supports my endeavors and energy! They are also well-known for being perfectionists.  Anything that involves a lot of activity, such as playing sports or rock climbing, will catch her attention.  That's why we love intelligence.

Aries Woman Well amen I just met a an Aries Man myself and I am excited to see where this goes.  She is overly enthusiastic, she is overly active, she is overly motivated, and she is quite over the top.  We will lie in bed with you listen to every nook and cranny of your mind and soul.  Best Match for an Aries Woman So, if you think that you can handle all the rules and regulations in order to conquer an Aries woman, let's see how compatible you are.  We may be naturally attractive, and so not all of us wear coats of makeup or hiked up skirts.  To score extra points with him, compliment him on his creative choices and his ability to conquer any activity with ease.  The Aries man would never hesitate to show his love and dedication to his Aries woman.

13 Brutal Truths About Loving An Aries, According To Their Love Horoscopes & Astrology Cause that's the way it is with us.  I have to admit I feel luckiest and happiest to have him in this unconventional relationship.  When it comes to leading, he has a hard time seeing the big picture and moving from task to task.  We will wither up and get real cranky on you if we ain't tended to real regular-like.  Small details don't interest us.  Even when she does, there is a boldness to her that can seem almost masculine.  I took an Aries on a date I'm an Aquarius and really need some insight as I am clueless about her behavior - I'll try to summarize.

Aries Woman Why can't people virgos just be upfront and honest? Aries women like things to be straight forward and dealt with while the Cancer man disappears into his shell instead of dealing with the issue proactively.  She is so sexy that she fills my every desire in bed and no other zodiac sign comes close.  An Aries woman is as honest as possible, and that's what she's expecting from you.  But what puts me off is her jealousy and eternal accusations of not being true to her and her insane hot temper and being hysterical over little things.  Important traits of an Aries woman in relation to a Virgo man An Aries woman is a hard worker, and she appreciates and respects competence in others.  Maybe she' ll grow out of that - or maybe she just need to find another man who's willing to put up with her.

DATING THE ARIES WOMAN The best thing you can do is try to calm her down.  Besides, belonging to the Fire Sign, Aries women are eager to do something new and fascinating for their love.  Lol If she's mad at you, fight with her for a bit, then shower her with all your love and adoration.  So you'll just have to pretend you discovered this some other way.  We need you to respect our freedom.  They have a natural respect for each other, and they each excel where the other is weak.  That in itself has to mean something right? We are skilled problem-solvers and like to see things from all angles.

5 Aries Dating Tips that will Save You from a Dating Disaster Try to tell him as gently as possible if you need him to dial back the intensity to keep him from getting hurt.  Im hoping she will help me change the boring side of myself.  If she is in love, she will be faithful and always in the mood to support her partner in all his endeavors.  Another thing that takes up in your relationship is jealousy, which refrain both the Aries to trust each other completely.  To avoid sending the wrong signal regarding your fitness as an emotional partner or relationship partner, you have to listen to your date.

Aries woman dating leo man But you can manage it by working really hard.  Probably it must be very hard to attract her.  Glad to have broken that cycle.  It's just that she expresses it in her own way.  You can either turn off your date completely, or you can drive him wild if certain other factors are present.  Be vulnerable, talk out compromises, and defuse your fiery energy down, if you want to be truly humbled and selfless during arguments.  Realize that we forgive and truly forget even the most heinous of relationship crimes including things like cheating.